How Twilight Should Be Written
by StormRedux
Summary: In Bella's POV, but in this story she's actually NOT stupid or a total douche canoe. Only read if you dislike Twilight. Or read if you DO like Twilight but aren't too stuffy to have a sense of humor. HA HA, read on, fool.
1. Chapter 1 Oh, Edward, silly white kid

IF BELLA WEREN'T A TOTAL MARY SUE AND ACTUALLY HAD SOME SENSE IN HER THICK SKULL

I walk slowly to my next class wondering what was up with that guy, Edward Cullen, who kept staring at me in lunch. I asked my friends about it but they just replied with sighs and befuddled words like, 'so beautiful'. I roll my eyes at the thought of it. Sure, he was good looking, but he was mostly creepy, and so were his antics. I finally reach my class, not a minute too late and search for an empty seat. I finally find one, but to my disappointment it's next to Cullen.

I sigh and walk over to sit next to him. As soon as I do, he immediately repels as if I'm the swine flu virus. I frown at him and get on with my work, but it's incredibly hard when you have a strange white kid trembling and edging away from you as far as possible. I glance over at him a couple times and see that his lips are in a tight, thin line and his eyes are screaming 'GON KEEL YOU'!

Just to piss him off, I decide to scoot my chair in closer and that really sets him off, he scoots loudly away from me and now he's on the short end of the table.

Our teacher, Mr. Something-Something, stands up abruptly and asks, "Is there a problem with you two?"

Edward lifts his head up, "Ye-"

"NO, SIR!" I interrupt him, "Just doing my work, sir!"

Mr. Teacher glares at us for a few seconds and then sits back down to his porn. Edward moves his chair inward, but only a few inches.

"You should not sit next to me." Edward says almost inaudibly. I roll my eyes and ignore him, getting back to my photosynthesis diagram (damn those plants). I suddenly make the decision to flip my hair and then Edward hisses, "Stop it!"

"What the hell is your problem, pretty boy?!" I hiss back. Luckily the teacher could not hear us because in the time I flipped my hair he put in a DVD. Yeah, these weird time-space continuum things happen.

"You!" He points, "You don't know how dangerous I am!"

I try not to laugh, but it's hard, "W-What?" I snicker.

"Yeah, take that!" He growls and leans back to his trembling state. I put my head in my hands and laugh silently and indiscreetly as possible. Poor kid, I think, probably some wanna-be vampire with mood issues.

A couple days later, we're back in biology and I'm still sitting next to Edward. While we're looking at amoeba's, Edward switches off his PMS mode and turns to me with a warm hearted smile (which is funny because his body temperature due to his vampirism. Oh, wait. I'm not supposed to know that yet).

"I'm afraid I haven't introduced myself yet, my name is Edward Cullen." His eyes gleamed. Rather than pound you with all the synonyms I can think of, I decide to speak words.

"What. The. Hell." I tightened my fists.

"I hear your name is Isabella Swan, but you prefer to be called Bella. Oh, and you cook for your dad and your mom is a skank with a young baseball player. But anyways, I apologize for my recent behavior."

"Do you want me to beat you down, right here, right now?" I can feel the veins popping in my forehead.

"I want to be friends. But I also don't want us to be friends because I am extremely dangerous."

"Are you listening to me?" I said a little too loudly, luckily everyone was wrapped up in amoebas (who wouldn't be?).


	2. Chapter 2

**I realize this is really freaking short but it's all I have, y'know. What are you gonna do, I guess. **

For the next few weeks, Edward would continue to make advances on me, and, with much desperation to get out of these awkward situations, I would try to avoid him as much as possible. Unfortunately, the seat I had been forced to take at the beginning of the year was mine to have, for no one else would move. I did a fair job of keeping away from the eccentric behaviors of Edward Cullen but I was immensely vulnerable seeing as how he was only feet away from me for a dull forty-five minutes. I would catch him eying me from my peripherals and I would hear strange sniffling, as if the boy were trying to inhale my scent. One incident entailed of him leaning in towards me, for whatever reason, and I immediately jerked backwards in the opposite direction. I then proceeded to hiss and make a cross with my fingers.

"Isabella," murmured my bio teacher, "what kind of crazy voodoo ritual are you performing now?""She prefers to be called Bella," Edward icily retorted. I clenched my teeth and muttered a string of incoherent words that nuns would beat me for, if heard. The teacher lowered an eyebrow and shook his head, "Whatever is going on back there will stop, now."  
Edward smoothly spoke, "Of course, sir," and pulled back his mahogany colored hair away from his face. The troglodytes – sorry, females in the room sighed with admiration. I drummed my fingers on the table top and started intently at the leg of a random chair out in front of me for the rest of the class.

"Dad!" I raced downstairs with thumping feet and I slid into the kitchen with perfection, "A couple of friends and I want to go down to Seattle and shop a bit, is that cool?"  
My father peered over the top of his newspaper and shifted in his chair, "With who?"  
"Angela, Jessica, and some other friends. Their names aren't important enough to be mentioned in this parody," I explained.  
He shook out the creases in his paper, it seemed to be more of a habit than for actual purpose. After gulping down more coffee than necessary, he grunted, "I don't know."  
I stepped forward into the kitchen and placed my knuckles on the tabletop, "Dad."  
"What, Bella?" He addressed me lethargically.  
I placed my hand on my hips and repositioned my weight to the side, "I'm seventeen. You think I can't handle going to the city?"  
"It's not that," my Dad paused, I tilted my head and he continued, "there's been several murders in Seattle, and only quite recently - "  
I interjected, "But you know that I'm not an idiot, Dad, I wouldn't just go off on my own in an alleyway and be confronted by several most likely drunken men who would slur off provocative phrases and try to rape me and - "  
"I know, honey." My father nodded his head, "I know. It's just I worry about my baby girl sometimes."I smiled sweetly, "I know. You can trust me, though. I promise. And it'll only be for a few hours."

After further convincing, my father reluctantly agreed. Little did I know what horrors would come from this event. Fucking vampires, man. Who needs 'em.


End file.
